Reverse patina

Think about the feeling of getting something new. A book, a device, a renovated floor, a set of dishes, a new plot of land for plants. The feeling of having something beautiful at your disposal is always thrilling.

This lasts until you notice a dent, scratch, weed, or the first sign of wear. Disappointment. Sadness.

But those marks are often signatures of the things we use and love most. They are signs of importance.

While reflecting on the book, I realized how much it had shaped me. And the same book, out of which I had gotten so much, had a similar effect on my kids. In the opposite situation, they would have brushed it off without opening it and kept it in better shape without it changing their thinking.

The same applies to life events. The analogy is easier to talk about than to remember when you are in the middle of one. The pressure and friction are shapers or breakers. In psychology, this is called posttraumatic growth (PTG) – positive change that follows highly stressful life events.¹

For our everyday lives, this definition may sound too grand, and still, some things hurt us so deeply that they keep haunting our memories for a long time. In these life events, it is tough to remember that life is beautiful, people are good, and most of this is happening in your head. The force of the blow is long dissolved, but the mind is still dealing with echoes.

For example, I was so nervous during one of my first training facilitations that I lost confidence. Initially, this felt like a devastating blow – a “dent” in my self-image. However, this setback led me to reassess my situation, get professional training in public speaking and presentations, and eventually become a public speaker. The initial pain was the mark that started the change.

The stimulus had already happened, and the choice for a proper response seemed nonexistent. There was no pause between these two. The same happened to me when I saw my favorite book worn. The same happened when I got mistreated in school. The same happened when I was dealing with powerful difficulties at work. I was confused, upset, and triggered. Each event took time to process, think through, and accept. The more complicated the disturbance, the silencing echo, the longer it took to get over.

These are the pauses where you reverse, learn, and regain confidence. They are the marks of the most formative and memorable experiences in life. They are a sign of importance. Reverse patina.

When you encounter a dent in your life – pause. The wear is the evidence of what mattered.